Codependency Therapy in Walnut Creek

Codependency is not a clinical diagnosis. Instead, it describes a person who regularly sacrifices their own needs and desires while meeting the needs and desires of others. People who identify as codependent often report feeling dissatisfied with their relationships because they often overfunction in them. While codependent people are comfortable playing the part of caretaker, listener, and helper, they can become hurt or resentful when their loved ones don’t provide them the same level of support. To avoid conflict in their relationships, they become ‘needless’, overly compliant, agreeable, and rarely establish personal boundaries out of fears of rejection, aggression, or abandonment.

Codependent people often remain in unbalanced and unhealthy relationships for years and even decades, and they often doubt their own perceptions. They may experience physical or emotional abuse in their familial or romantic relationships. Therapy can help them establish relationships that are more balanced and mutually beneficial.

Common Codependent Characteristics

Low self-esteem

Lack of boundaries

Act ‘needless’ in relationships

Difficulty identifying feelings

Caretaker

Seeks approval from others

Deep sense of shame

Decisions based on managing other people’s reactions

Experience guilt while making decisions that are in their best interest

Subconsciously view relationships as a power struggle, hierarchical-minded

Don’t hold people accountable for poor behavior

Take a 20-question codependency questionnaire.

How Therapy Can Help

1. Get in touch with your authentic emotions.

Codependency involves suppressing your authentic emotions, including sadness and healthy anger. A therapist can help you reconnect to your emotions and determine what they need from you.

2. Learn assertive communication skills.

Because assertive communication is respectful AND direct, it’s often the best way to establish boundaries. You can unlearn passive communication styles that are indirect, thus ineffective.

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” –Prentis Hemphill

3. Understand your stress responses.

Most people respond to stressful relationship dynamics reflexively rather than reflectively. Due to this, you might regret how you respond to certain situations and feel a deep sense of shame. You might feel stuck, like you’re trying to respond differently but are spinning your wheels. A therapist can help you understand your stress responses, their benefits and costs to you, and help you develop the capacity to respond differently.

4. Differentiate between healthy versus unhealthy relational dynamics.

Relationships have spoken and unspoken rules of engagement; things you should and should not talk about; who sets the tone of relationship and who defers to it. For many, it can be difficult to see relationship dynamics clearly as emotions often shape how they are interpreted. A therapist who is knowledgeable about group communication and family systems can help you name the dynamics that you may be sensing but cannot yet name. Naming relational dynamics can help you make better decisions and improve your relationships.

“Fish don't know they're in water. [T]he most obvious, ubiquitous, important realities are often the ones that are the hardest to see and talk about.” - David Foster Wallace