What is Gaslighting
Some people wonder: “Isn’t gaslighting the same as lying?'“ As Britt Frank, LCSW, author of The Science of Stuck explains, “Lying is telling a story about me. Gaslighting is me telling you a story about you.” Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone manipulates another person into questioning their own perceptions, instincts, and feelings.
People who gaslight do it to obtain psychological control over others. Once a victim questions their own reality and instincts, they are less likely to leave an abusive relationship or set boundaries to protect themselves from further psychological abuse.
Examples of gaslighting include:
Someone who gaslights will attempt to make another person question their memory of an event, though their memory is accurate. This tactic is known as “countering.”
Accusing the victim of being too sensitive or overreacting to situations, making them feel like their emotions are invalid. This is known as “trivializing.”
Blaming a person for things that are not their fault, making them doubt their own actions and judgment.
Changing the subject or deflecting blame during a conversation, making someone feel confused and disoriented. This tactic is known as “diverting” or “blocking.”
Using positive reinforcement or affection to confuse and manipulate another person.
Isolating the victim from friends and family, making them more reliant on the abuser and less likely to question their behavior.
Acting like they don’t remember making promises or commitments to others. This tactic is known as “forgetting.”
Projecting their own faults onto the victim, making the victim feel like they are the one at fault. This tactic is know as “projection.”
Pretending that they don’t understand what you’re saying. This is know as “withholding.”
These are just a few examples of gaslighting behaviors. It's important to note that gaslighting can take many different forms and vary in intensity.
Short-Term Effects of Gaslighting:
Self-doubt
Physiological and emotional dysregulation
Increased worry or anxiety
Feelings of disconnection
Overexplaining or justifying yourself
Potential Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting:
How to cope with gaslighting:
Exposure: Protect yourself by eliminating or reducing your exposure to the person who gaslights you. The less exposure you have to them, the less gaslighting can occur.
Observe the communication tactics in realtime: Naming communication dynamics as they occur can take some of the power out of them and help you remain rooted in your own perceptions. Picture yourself being actively gaslit by a person, observing their behavioral patterns like a scientist: from a genuine point of curiosity. As the person who is gaslighting you questions your memory, think to yourself: “He’s countering now.” When he says you’re too sensitive, think to yourself: “That tactic is trivializing.”
Seek support: After being gaslit, it's important to seek support from a trusted individual within your social network. They may be able to validate your perception and offer you a safe place to share your experiences with gaslighting.
Use Dr. Ramani’s Don’t Go DEEP method: Don’t Defend, Don’t Engage, Don’t Explain & Don’t Personalize.
Don’t Defend: When people misrepresent you to yourself or others, you might notice a sudden and visceral urge to set the record straight. But with people who gaslight, the opportunities to defend yourself are truly never-ending. You can attempt to put out one ‘fire,’ only to find a new lit. Repetitively defending yourself can feel like playing Whack-a-Mole. Don’t defend yourself. Instead, protect your energy.
“Whack-a-mole: [(idiomatic, chiefly Canada, US) The practice of trying to stop problems, etc., that repeatedly occur in an apparently random manner; also, the act of dealing with such matters in a piecemeal manner without achieving a complete solution.]”
Don’t Engage: Choosing to engage with someone who you know gaslights you is like accepting an invitation to being gaslit, and that experience will likely leave you feeling just as emotionally and psychologically unwell as it has before.
Don’t Explain: Justifying yourself to someone who is unwilling to take in new information is a futile act.
Don’t Personalize: Their behavior is not about you; it’s about them and how they prefer to relate to others. (Learn more about communication styles and signs of emotional abuse.)
If you’re being gaslit and need support from a Walnut Creek therapist, schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with Elese.
